Not for the Faint of Heart

They say confession is good for the soul; to some extent, this is a public acknowledgement of my imperfections. As a kid, I learned several things from those around me. Some good, some not so good. And now, as an adult, I am dealing with the learned reactions and habits to certain situations. I love my family, and I love my history; my past is what makes me who I am, my family shaped me into the loving, caring person I am today (no sarcasm intended). In the fifth grade, we moved to Spokane from the west side of the state. In Everett, I was part of the cool crowd. Actually, we all were. I remember being with everyone one the playground. Foursquare and tetherball were the biggest activities, and I don't remember any division or cliques, we all were friends with everybody. But in Spokane, it was a different story. It was a difficult transition, at least for me. The game here was kick ball, I didn't know how to play. These guys had grown up together, at least had the first part of the year together, I was THE new guy, and knew no one. I was unknown, and didn't fit with the majority. Looking back now.... I wouldn't trade any of it. Oh sure, I could wallow in the fact that "they" didn't like me, or I wasn't like "them", but the fact is, they made me stronger.

One of the biggest hurdles I have had to overcome, is to realize that I am not perfect. That is one thing I somehow "caught" from my close relationships; I must be right, or take appropriate action for every situation. This simple phrase has caused a great deal of stress, and anger, which I am afraid I have passed on to my kids and into my extended family; for that I apologize. I will work with each of them, and you, to correct this character flaw. I saw, and treated, imperfectness as failure. I understood that I had to DO the right thing in order to be valuable. I taught my kids that they had to DO the right thing, even if they didn't know what that was. I justified my outbursts by saying "they" didn't do what I thought they should've (who ever "they" is, it changed daily) Today, I would rather see and experience my family no matter how they act, than to experience the isolation because I felt I had to correct their behavior.

Along this journey called life, I've been able to meet some fabulous people that helped me realize, I am valuable to them not because I act appropriately, but because I am a child of the Most High. Our imperfections help us relate to others. If we were each perfect in our own eyes, we would not want to have anything to do with others. I enjoy being part of a group called Celebrate Recovery, the openness and honesty of sharing our imperfectness, brings us together as well as closer to God. This group has helped me understand the tendency I have to try and earn perfection. I was a "fill-in-the-blank" a-holic.... Work, busyness, porn, drinking, and anger were all things I used to escape the hurt and disappointment of not measuring up to my high standards. Recently, I met another man who described my life and efforts as a painting in progress. I was struggling to control every brush stroke and color, trying to make this painting look just right. When the enemy of our souls came and threw the blackest splotch on the canvas. The smear was greater than I could handle. I thought my picture was ruined; I was worthless because my life was now far from perfect.

Thankfully, the story does not end there. You see, Jesus picked up the brush that I had thrown down in dispair. He spread this color there, that color over there, a brush stroke here, a dab there. Jesus didn't cover up the splotch, but rather highlighted it with color; He made something of Beauty out of something that was ugly. My life has value because the hand of Christ is all over it. My creator left His fingerprints on me. Once this story had sunk into my heart, I realized that my Father God wants me to do the right thing, just like I want my kids to do the right thing; But He doesn't disown me because I do the wrong thing. Yes, our fellowship is strained when I do my own thing, and yes, it break His heart to see me go out on my own, but He wants me to be in relationship with Him, He wants me to do the right thing, but He does not shun me when I fall short.

In Celebrate Recovery, every one who speaks to the group has to introduce themselves... I realize I am using an introduction for my closing, but my story is just beginning.... Hello, I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who has tried to earn His approval. I suffer from the affects of life's hurts, habits, and hangups, I've led a secret life for far too long and I am looking for the freedom that Christ offers. my name is Mike....